2019, i’m still alive.

I’m writing this post on 4th February 2019, at 2.16pm. My current location is in Macau, China. It’s my 54th day here and i had been sick for 4 days. Today is the eve of Chinese New Year and it’s my first time spending this important celebration alone. While the Chinese are preparing for a hearty reunion dinner, i’m preparing myself for work later; what’s making me feel worse is i’m having midnight shift for the month. I’ll say i specially miss home at this moment, but its’s okay. I know what i’m doing and i’ll make sure it’s going to worth it.

I may sound very negative now but don’t take me wrong, i’m actually very grateful that i’m still living healthily. Even though i’m a money’s slave but i know very well that money can’t buy a good health and having that is actually the richest thing in the world. A year ago, i thought i had this illness, it was actually 98% confirmed by the doctor through phone call at first, but after a further blood test the result came out to be negative. My tears burst out when i was on my way driving to the hospital, i just couldn’t stop thinking and worrying about everything. When you know you’re near death, at that moment, you’ll realise what really matters to you, and no, it’s not money.

I remembered i came across this article online, it’s from a cancer patient who left a few of her last words and she mentioned “That’s the thing about life, it’s fragile, precious and unpredictable and each day is a gift, not a given right”. Her words left me a deep impression and had inspired me to appreciate my life even more. Nobody knows how much time we’re left. Two weeks ago, i received a heartbroken news where my first ex-boss had passed away from an accident. I was really shocked when i learned about him. Life is indeed fragile and unpredictable. Maybe life is too short for us to worry so much about what is going to happen next. Maybe life should be lived each day as if you were to die tomorrow. But how many of us can afford to do so?

We’re always busy making a living that we forget to make a life, i’m no different. People that know me will know that i’m always working hard to achieve financial security. The path is not easy especially if you have no one to count on, but i truly believe the sufferings and pain is what made me who i am today. Independent and determined. Life doesn’t get easier, you just get stronger. At this point of my life, i’m feeling proud enough of myself. For being able to own a house and car in my mid 20s, at the same time taking care the needs of my family. I know there’s much more greater people out there but what i’m trying to say is i’m feeling content for what i have now. Some people will chase for fame and material possessions, but for me those are not the real happiness of life. 

This year might be a year to remember as i’m turning 30 years old. Most of my circle of friends are either engaged, married or married with kids. My sister will be popping out her second baby in March (i’m having a baby niece soon!). Everyone seems to be doing the “supposed to do thing” at their age but i’m still lingering around. I know my relationship is still not perfectly clear but at least i’m happy now. It has not been my focus anyway. I believe everyone has their own time zone, and if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen, in the right time, with the right person.

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