2019, i’m still alive.

I’m writing this post on 4th February 2019, at 2.16pm. My current location is in Macau, China. It’s my 54th day here and i had been sick for 4 days. Today is the eve of Chinese New Year and it’s my first time spending this important celebration alone. While the Chinese are preparing for a hearty reunion dinner, i’m preparing myself for work later; what’s making me feel worse is i’m having midnight shift for the month. I’ll say i specially miss home at this moment, but its’s okay. I know what i’m doing and i’ll make sure it’s going to worth it.

I may sound very negative now but don’t take me wrong, i’m actually very grateful that i’m still living healthily. Even though i’m a money’s slave but i know very well that money can’t buy a good health and having that is actually the richest thing in the world. A year ago, i thought i had this illness, it was actually 98% confirmed by the doctor through phone call at first, but after a further blood test the result came out to be negative. My tears burst out when i was on my way driving to the hospital, i just couldn’t stop thinking and worrying about everything. When you know you’re near death, at that moment, you’ll realise what really matters to you, and no, it’s not money.

I remembered i came across this article online, it’s from a cancer patient who left a few of her last words and she mentioned “That’s the thing about life, it’s fragile, precious and unpredictable and each day is a gift, not a given right”. Her words left me a deep impression and had inspired me to appreciate my life even more. Nobody knows how much time we’re left. Two weeks ago, i received a heartbroken news where my first ex-boss had passed away from an accident. I was really shocked when i learned about him. Life is indeed fragile and unpredictable. Maybe life is too short for us to worry so much about what is going to happen next. Maybe life should be lived each day as if you were to die tomorrow. But how many of us can afford to do so?

We’re always busy making a living that we forget to make a life, i’m no different. People that know me will know that i’m always working hard to achieve financial security. The path is not easy especially if you have no one to count on, but i truly believe the sufferings and pain is what made me who i am today. Independent and determined. Life doesn’t get easier, you just get stronger. At this point of my life, i’m feeling proud enough of myself. For being able to own a house and car in my mid 20s, at the same time taking care the needs of my family. I know there’s much more greater people out there but what i’m trying to say is i’m feeling content for what i have now. Some people will chase for fame and material possessions, but for me those are not the real happiness of life. 

This year might be a year to remember as i’m turning 30 years old. Most of my circle of friends are either engaged, married or married with kids. My sister will be popping out her second baby in March (i’m having a baby niece soon!). Everyone seems to be doing the “supposed to do thing” at their age but i’m still lingering around. I know my relationship is still not perfectly clear but at least i’m happy now. It has not been my focus anyway. I believe everyone has their own time zone, and if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen, in the right time, with the right person.

Continue Reading

188 days in 2018.

Time waits for nobody, whether you like it or not. Just a blink of eye, 188 days had gone in 2018. If you’re reading this, stop at this moment and ask yourself, what had you done for the past 6 months?

I had been struggling and stressing myself on financial concerns. It feels like no matter what i do, how much effort i put in, the problem is still there. Last month, for the second time, i quit my job in Malaysia to work abroad in Cambodia. I’ve always wanted to try something new because i know if i don’t change, nothing will change. I miss home, family to be exact, but if i love them, this is the only way to give them more. At least this is what i can do for now.

The first month here was not easy, and it is still not easy now, words can’t describe the feelings that i had been through. I felt down most of the times, and i thought of giving up a few times in just a month. I guess i was really mentally and psychically tired. Last week, i got sicked really badly. I had extreme high fever, followed by dizziness and vomit. I can’t even walk out to get myself some medicine. I wouldn’t forget the feeling, the moment where i cried and wiped my own tears.

If you ask me how long am i going to work abroad, honestly i can’t give you an answer. All i can say is i’m trying very hard to stay strong. I have something that i need to accomplish, a short term goal.

*wipe tears*
Sorry i’m quite emotional now but people who cries are mentally stronger right? (:

Different people deal with emotions differently. When i’m happy, i blog. When i’m down, i blog as well. I like to express my feelings through writing and photos. If i’m stress, i workout because it makes me feel better after that. I noticed that the older i am, i prefer doing something more productive and meaningful, instead of wasting time just like that. There’s so much more i wanted to do in my life including giving back to the society.

Relationship?

I guess i’m not that kind of girl that is good enough for anybody. Or maybe i’m not ready to start a new relationship. Or maybe, alot of maybe. Time to time, i do reminisce about the past. People that i’ve met, people that had walked through years with me. The feeling, the concern is still there. Love has so many definitions but for me, love is something real, honest, loyal and lasting, despite of your wealth, appearance and attitude. How many of you can really love someone? Or i should rephrase, how many of you are willing to love someone? I believe that everything in life is a choice, a decision to make, and love should be the same too.

Continue Reading

2017, the year of change.

I started the year with no expectations, with the same old wish, hoping that someday i could achieve financial independence. All these while, throughout the years, ever since i had to support everything on my own, i couldn’t earn enough to cover my commitment and a little extra for savings. Just suddenly, i feel like i can’t stay the same way anymore, i needed a change.

In April, i took the risk to quit my full time job and went abroad to work alone. I still remember, the feeling of anxiety, uncertainties and tears before i left home. But i knew i had to do it. I just need to keep my heart strong. My initial plan was to return 1 year later or more with some savings and maybe a business plan. However, i returned to Malaysia after 3 months. Looking back, i’ve never once regretted my decision. Not even once. Even though is just a short period, working abroad had let me see more of the world.

I spent second half of the year working freelance. It was like getting lost in a maze, couldn’t find a way out. Basically i had no direction in my career but i had no time to rest and think. I can’t let my income stop flowing in. End of 2017, i made a decision to join banking line doing sales. It was a big step for me as i knew it has no income stability and i’ll have alot to learn and adapt. There’s no guarantee that i can stable down as well. I knew i couldn’t afford that to happen, but i wanted to give it a try.

Relationship, i had it messy in 2017. I ended up my 6 years relationship and started a few short ones. But things doesn’t work out. I wouldn’t say who is right and wrong, because there is no right judgement when it comes to love. At this point, i came to really understand that if someone loves you, he’ll not destroy you. Deep down inside my heart, i know who really treats me right.

There’s a saying from Buddha,
When you like a flower, you just pluck it.
When you love a flower, you water it daily.
One who understand this, understands life.

Continue Reading